My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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