Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
