why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Randomize
