if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
