life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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