I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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