Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
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