if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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