mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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