I have demons in me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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