We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
did i walk over a car last night?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
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Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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