we're chasing vodka with high fives
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
