Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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