1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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