i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
