Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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