I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
