One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
