If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
