Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
