I can text with my tongue
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
