i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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