Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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