If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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