Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
