All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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