If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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