dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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