Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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