I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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