So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
