Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Green mimosas i think yes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
