i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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