I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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