Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
