He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just found a bag of teeth...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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