I'm pants shitting drunk right now
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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