she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
