i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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