Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
