Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
