The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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