A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
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Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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