Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
