I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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