I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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