she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think my fart just growled at me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
