Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
