GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
