I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Randomize
