You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
