Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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