I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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