Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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