Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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