If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
